‘Koffee With Karan’ Recap: Sonam and Deepika
As we pointed out in last week’s recap, there’s something fishy about two known Bollywood frenemies pretending to be buds on Koffee With Karan. But that’s exactly what Deepika Padukone and Sonam Kapoor did last night, casting aside their differences to bond over bashing Ranbir Kapoor and other Bollywood peeps. In our recap of episodes of season three of Koffee With Karan, we sniff out the bullshit factor, rating it on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a crock o’ Leprechaun gold, and 1 being honest-to-God sainthood.
Deepika and Sonam Are Friends
Muhahaha. In short, we’re not buying it, and neither are Sonam and Deepika. Bless her diplomatic soul, but whoever told Deepika to take the gallant high road clearly forgot to issue the same instructions to Sonam. Deepika did her best to insist the duo were friends with faint platitudes that were almost entirely and gleefully undone by a giggling Sonam who spent much of the night throwing tact and diplomacy to the wind. After Sonam praised Deepika for “hanging” onto Ranbir (girl speak for “it’s amazing your clingy desperation didn’t drive him away after month two”), Deepika looked resigned to the fact that there would be no subsequent exchanges of Diwali gifts or trips to the spa.
By the end, the two were clearly over the whole “fr” part of frenemy, ranking each other second last for acting ability, and looking sufficiently pained when college students voiced their opinion on their sex appeal and fashion chops (Deepika won the first; Sonam the second). Sonam’s crowning insult came well into the rapid-fire round after she trashed all of Bollywood for having an atrocious sense of style (or as she eloquently put it: “They all suck”), and only making a lame backtrack after K-Jo pointed to Deepika. “Oh not you,” she giggled, before adding “Everyone has a stylist these days.” Deepika got her own back a few moments later when she told Johar it’s not possible for two actresses in the same league to be friends, by which we actually think she meant that Sonam isn’t in her league at all.
Deepika and Ranbir Are Friends
This we’re definitely not buying. But we’re kind of scared by how committed Deepika is to appearing like she’s taking the high road, insisting that the two are still very much in touch. Ten minutes in though, either Sonam’s gleeful bitchery finally rubbed off on her or she realised the ratings value in taking pot shots, because as the show progressed, Deepika seemed less and less reluctant to bash her philandering ex-boyfriend. “He needs to work on his boyfriend skills,” she sniped, before laughing hysterically when Ranbir speaking on a pre-recorded video clip said Deepika “enriched me as a person”. When Johar asked her to confirm Ranbir’s denial that the cheating boyf she had referenced in an interview was not him, she said “The clarification was not me”, following up with a double whammy of advising Ranbir to endorse a condom brand and ranking him last in terms of sex appeal.
Katrina Kaif Is Old
For calling Katrina Kaif their “senior” with a straight face, both Sonam and Deepika get double bonus points. To recap: Deepika is 24; Sonam is 25 and Katrina is 26.
With Friends Like These, Who Needs Enemies?
If Sonam had any friends before this, she’s most likely going to have none after. To the evident delight of K-Jo’s inner Perez Hilton, Sonam trash talks her way down a long line of Bollywood stars, seeming to find it hysterical that she’s doing it on national TV. There’s nothing to not believe, so in order of who gets the most hatin’:
Shobhaa De: So much for taking the high road. After making it clear in not so many words that the slanty-eyed celeb with the plastic surgery penchant is columnist Shobhaa De, Sonam ripped into her after stating for the record that one of De’s daughters and Sonam’s sister are “best friends”. We’re not sure if the clarification was meant to help her cause, but we’re willing to guess Sonam just torpedoed that relationship. “She writes bad books” Sonam sniffed, before rambling about De’s biased treatment of Ranbir Kapoor.
Ranbir Kapoor: Ah, the poor sod who doth dare insult Ms. Kapoor. Is that a murderous glint we spot in her eye when Ranbir, speaking on the video clip, says that Sonam is melodramatic and that sometimes he just wants to hold her by the neck and tell her to “be real”? Either way, we suggest he hide. Sonam retaliated in kind by giggling hysterically when she said she’s seen him in his birthday suit, probably not the reaction Ranbir was hoping to inspire. When K-Jo asks her who she thinks has the better future, Imran or Ranbir, Sonam, showing what we suspect she thinks is tact, said: “In my head I know who, but I’ll say both”. High praise indeed.
The Rest of Bollywood: It’s like the slaughterhouse massacre except the deranged killer is a giggle-happy ingenue high on herself. From Bollywood style (“they all suck”) and Kangna Ranaut (“could use English lessons”) to Amrita Rao (“needs a stylist”) and Sanjay Leela Bhansali (“could use some colour in his life apart from blue and black”), Sonam is pretty bitch-tastic, sparing no one except Aishwarya Rai Bachchan. She is “totally worth it” according to Sonam, but we’re willing to bet that’s the fear of losing her L’Oreal contract talking. Whoever advised Sonam to count to ten before speaking clearly needs to revise their strategy and perhaps hire a PR handler asap.
TOTAL BULLSHIT RATING
Sonam Kapoor: 2/10
Deepika Padukone: 5/10
Karan Johar: 2/10