Koffee With Karan Season 4 Recap: Salman Khan

December 2, 2013 2:11 pm

KoffeeWKaranSalmanKhanMAIN

And just like that KJo nabbed his white whale. Sure, this whale had hair plugs and some denim blazer-on-denim jeans action going on (hello 1990s!), and Ahab Johar wasn’t as bloodthirsty as we’d like, but then again we didn’t spend years trying to hah, hunt (pun intended) him down. For his season four opener of Koffee With Karan, KJo landed King K who admitted that he’d stayed away from Johar’s couch all this time because his questions about “marriage, girlfriends and break-ups” made him “uncomfortable”. Come again sista? To recap: this is a man who has been charged with “culpable homicide not amounting to murder” for running over a sleeping person in his car, while allegedly drunk. The same man who bullied a blogger into removing a post on his website about the case, and made him apologise. And the same man who shot a black buck. But what scares him, this “most loved movie star in the country” with biceps bigger than Johar’s coffee mugs, is getting asked about past relationships by a talk show host who plays hard ball by holding out with a hamper of brownies. Well, Khan’s new flock of follicles needn’t have sweated it: not only did Johar not bring up those pesky murder charges (thankfully Salman Khan’s father Saleem did it instead), he commended Khan for his humanitarian efforts, like giving Ranbir Kapoor some gifts. In our recap of episodes of season four of Koffee With Karan, we will sniff out as we did with season three, the bullshit factor, rating it on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a crock o’ Leprechaun gold, and 1 being honest-to-God sainthood.

Salman Khan Is The Best Person In Bollywood, Nay, All Of India
Yes, he is. Say it (or else). Just kidding (though Khan’s lawyers may not be).
You’d never know Khan had run over someone and then tried all kinds of funny things to get out of it. Here, on Johar’s couch, he looked positively angelic, with Johar just one starry-eyed gaze away from making him the angel on his Christmas tree. A straight-faced Khan told Johar he was saving himself “for the one I get married to” and that he’d had “friends but no benefits”. “I pray that they get bigger hits,” said Khan The Noble of his competitors before heaping praise on Aamir Khan, Shah Rukh Khan, Hrithik Roshan and Akshay Kumar and calling himself a “below average actor”. If that wasn’t enough to convince the five people out there who still think Khan is guilty, then Johar played his final hand: “You hear a lot of these stories, like where you’ve taken out your watch and given it to someone” he said. Like the time he gave Ranbir Kapoor some “stuff” when a friendly meeting at a bar got misinterpreted by the media as a scuffle. Nothing like extending generosity to the already-wealthy to burnish that image of philanthropy we say.

Salman Khan Is Also The Most Boring Person In Bollywood
“I’m suddenly scared of just about everything nowadays – what I say, what I do, a lot of fun things I used to do,” said Khan, who funnily enough doesn’t seem scared about the court judgement on his case. “I get scared of what people might think.” Khan also claimed that he no longer drinks, smokes or parties and is fed up of “myself”. This, kids, is what damage control looks like. To Khan’s credit though he refused to divulge details about past loves, except to say that some he “ignores totally” and others “I try to run away from” mainly because he didn’t want to screw with their current beaus’ minds. Classy.

Except When He’s Outing Fellow Colleagues
To be fair, KJo set this up beautifully asking Khan who he would have a gay encounter with at gunpoint. Khan guffawed and said, “Aisi tho gun bane nahi hain, but just to make you feel good, you Karan. And I’m the guy, yea.” Johar blushed a red deep enough to match his velvet jacket and somewhere we think a closet door creaked open just a tad. Khan also put a damper on Ranbir Kapoor and Katrina Kaif’s efforts to keep their relationship status under wraps by answering Johar’s question of what he would say if he woke up as Katrina Kaif with “where’s Ranbir?” and advising Kapoor to “have fun” and Kaif to “make sure he doesn’t have fun”.

And Twisting The Knife Just A Tad Into SRK
As bestie-in-chief, it was inevitable that Johar would ask Khan about his feud with Shah Rukh Khan and if, as these photos implied, they had made up. SRK, observers of this three-year war, will know, had in fact apologised on Johar’s couch during season three, saying “If anyone who loves me—and I know he [Salman] does—has a problem with me, it’s because of me. Through your show, I’m sorry.” Unfortunately for SRK, Khan wasn’t terribly moved. “He passes my house four or five times a day, he should have come home and rung the doorbell.” Khan then proceeded to flip flop like a jilted ex between praising SRK whom he had once loved like a brother, to maintaining that he still doesn’t “like him that much”, but would still never indulge anyone who thought they could bitch him out to Khan. We’d say Khan had some unresolved feelings about SRK, except for two things. One, he called Shah Rukh Khan a “shark” during the animal association name game (and if animal association name games aren’t reliable tests of one’s true feelings, then what are we ask), and two, he gushed about once-upon-a-time SRK loyalist Priyanka Chopra who is “a very dear friend of mine” and “phenomenal”. Lucky for PChops, just when one cold war ends (three years ago she hinted that she’d fallen out with Khan), another one lies in wait.

Salman Khan May Not Be Innocent
We know! Crazy, right? We were shattered too when Khan’s dad Saleem declared “I have never ever defended him when I was not sure…now the matter is sub judice, but I have never said my son is innocent. All these things will be judged on cold facts.” And with that, the counsel rests.

Salman Khan fans, the comments section is now open.

TOTAL BULLSHIT RATING
Salman Khan: 9/10
Saleem Khan: 1/10
Karan Johar: 7/10