The MB Koffee With Karan Season 3 Awards
The third season of Koffee With Karan ended with not a bang but a whimper, with four of K-Jo’s film critic-friends (including fashion designer Manish Malhotra) being roped in to vote on awards in such generalised and unimaginative categories as best performance and best dressed guest. But these honours did not do justice to the many hours of trash TV that season three has provided us over the last five-and-a-half months. At just 19 sets of guests and no less than three best-of recaps, it was clear that K-Jo was running out of friends to call. He tried in vain to get Aamir Khan and Salman Khan to appear. For a man who claims to be BFFs with almost half of Bollywood, K-Jo must have been disheartened to know that barely anyone appeared on the show this season unless they had a film to promote. The list included everyone from Farah Khan to Sanjay Dutt and Anil Kapoor to Rani Mukherjee and Vidya Balan. When they came without a film to plug (Amitabh Bachchan, Shah Rukh Khan, Hrithik Roshan), more often than not, they had little of significance to share. In an effort to fully appreciate Johar’s sheer effort to bitch out, mud rake or even titillate, we decided to list out our own Koffee With Karan awards. In some categories, there were a few contenders but in others, the guests seemed to be in a league of their own:
Best Backhanded Compliment
Ever so large-heartedly, Kareena Kapoor said Priyanka Chopra puts the “act” in “actress” which you could interpret as Kapoor admitting that her arch rival can actually act, or as her saying that Chopra’s the most fake person she’s had the displeasure of sharing the same air with.
Best confirmation of a Bollywood rumour
Bollywood will admit to its past, but not its present. So while they refuse to clarify or confirm rumours about whom they are currently dating, they are occasionally happy to dish the dirt about old colleagues. Sanjay Dutt almost admitted to his affair with Madhuri Dixit in the 1990s (though she wasn’t asked about the same) and let slip that Akshaye Khanna is a heavy drinker. Anil Kapoor revealed that Shilpa Shetty took collagen injections in the early noughties, and though he said he blurted it out just to win the hamper, Tusshar Kapoor named Preity Zinta as the person whose name came to his mind when he heard the words cosmetic surgery. However, it was Deepika Padukone’s confirmation that she broke up with Ranbir Kapoor because he cheated on her that was the closest we came to confession time on Koffee with K-Jo.
Best fake performance
Kareena Kapoor and Priyanka Chopra stopped pretending a long time ago, but that hasn’t stopped the younger ones from attempting to disprove that old saw that two actresses in the same league can’t be friends. Given how well they teamed up to bitch out Ranbir Kapoor, you might have thought Sonam Kapoor and Deepika Padukone were besties for life. Sadly, they’re just more publicity-hungry than Kareena or Priyanka, and while they’re not quite enemies like those two, their thinly veiled barbs on each other’s dress sense and acting abilities showed us they’re just a little more than acquaintances (plus K-Jo inadvertently confirmed it by scoffing at the notion that the two were genuine friends during Sunday’s finale). Still, they deserve points for trying. Then again, the pair were no match for Rani Mukerji and Vidya Balan who proved, this time off-screen, just how good their acting skills were. Their sole purpose was to promote their new film, No One Killed Jessica and to dismiss rumours that they did not get along during the making of the movie. The duo went as far as thumb sucking to grab eyeballs. “The producers will tell you we were as lovey-dovey on the sets of the film,” said Mukerji. Of course, we later found out that they had just a couple of scenes together in the film, giving them limited scope to mete out any lovey-dovey or even bitchy behaviour to the other.
The how to lose friends and alienate people award
From Ranbir Kapoor to Shobhaa De and Kangna Ranaut to almost everyone she was asked about, Sonam Kapoor had a kind word to say to almost none. This may have gotten her the hamper and the best debut award from K-Jo and his critic pals, but it’s unlikely to win her many roles. Not a good move considering that yet another of her films, Thank You has tanked at the box office.
K-Jo’s worst allusion to his sexual orientation
“I’m not in a relationship with a woman, I don’t understand the dynamics and so I probably shouldn’t comment on it”, he told Saifeena. Then, he (unwittingly perhaps) asked Shah Rukh Khan if “the wife only get the perks” of his being “the greatest lover in the world”, and asked both SRK and Hrithik Roshan (who he described as the most “beautiful man” in the country) if they would “pose in the nude for Playgirl for $1 billion”. When introducing Roshan, he rather unnecessarily said, “I do believe behind every successful man, there’s a woman, unless the man is oriented differently”. It was however John Abraham’s vivid descriptions of his own body that got K-Jo’s most blatant expression of his sexual orientation yet. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say he’s trying to turn me on,” said Johar, when John talked about taking a shower and putting on his boxers.
Most shameless film plug
It’s one thing to come on a show to promote your new film, it’s quite another to make it seem like you’re doing your host a favour. After Tusshar Kapoor stated grandly that he got Johar “a gift”, the present in question was revealed to be the poster of his upcoming film, Shor in the City, which few people had heard about up to that point. The gift-giving was possibly planned, for K-Jo seemed neither offended nor surprised.
AND THE BIG ONE…
Ranbir Kapoor scored high for, among other things, putting up a lame denial of cheating on Deepika Padukone (he may have passed his tenth-standard exams but Kapoor clearly hasn’t yet figured out that sharing your two-timing techniques is not the best showcase of your fidelity). He also pretended to not know that Padukone was seeing Siddharth Mallya. But his guilelessness was overshadowed by Shah Rukh Khan’s mastery of doublespeak. SRK said that he’s never believed “even for a moment” that he’ll be “a bigger star or a bigger actor than Aamir or Salman Khan”, and that he’d call Farah Khan and make up with her but “someone has to remind me”. But it was K-Jo himself who proved to be the biggest bullshitter of them all, resorting to hyperbole whenever he was stumped for words. From calling Love Aaj Kal an “iconic” movie when introducing Imtiaz Ali (almost everyone would agree that the director’s Jab We Met was a bigger and better film) to pussyfooting around Amitabh Bachchan and Shah Rukh Khan when it came to quizzing them about controversies to extolling the virtues of the horrendous Golmaal series when interviewing both Ajay Devgn and Tusshar Kapoor, it was Johar who ultimately showed his guests that when it comes to playing it up for the cameras, he is second to none.